just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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