before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the day after is always just damage control
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
