Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
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