Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
