It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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