Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
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