I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
