youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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