the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
