Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
