it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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