I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
