Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
