totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
