I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
