Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
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I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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