oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
she told me i tasted like america
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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