between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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