I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
