so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i now understand why vodka
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
