DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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