Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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