You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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