I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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