Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
