Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
