I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
