apparently the secret to your success is patron
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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