I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
