We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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