worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
