She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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