Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
