Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
