I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
