There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Actions speak louder than pants.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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