GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
