Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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