its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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