I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
