wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
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Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
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I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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