dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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