New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dear god my vagina.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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