wanna go halves on a baby?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
