i think i have two assholes
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
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Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
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You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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