i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
