it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
