ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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