I cannot find my penis.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
