Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
