So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
