My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
