you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
