conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We are two peas in an std pod
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
