i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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