Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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