but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
