i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
