it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
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I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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