She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am one with the molecules
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
